So I just got a text to say that my neighbour has died….do I rush back?……for what?…….to see another empty body….. a cold and waxy corpse……………what’s the rush

what will happen if I don’t go, will she die again?

I block the pain out.  It can’t renter my body – I will not allow that.

I will not crash my car…I will not drive at full speed, my foot down, the windows down, music screaming….to crash into that treet and die.

So, in my head I pretend.  Pretend that death doesn’t matter.  We all know it is there and here.

I welcome it sometimes – a feeling of stillness, numbness, happiness and peace – stopping and crashing.

why a tree? – why not a building.  I think of the metal curling, transforming and curving the tree like a mattress.

So, she is dead. I knew she would die.  Sickness rises, pain inside, I feel it coming but I will not crash today

I went to see her – invited to go into her room.  She is laid serenely with what I could only think was a little smile of content on her face – her hands resting on her baby pink cardigan

I stroke her hair and kissed her forehead – it was damp and cold

we tried to find the power source both of us scrabbling under the bed whilst Eve laid above us.  The bed beeped, the mechanical noises were constant – the machine didn’t understand it wasn’t needed.  She wasn’t there.